Fight styles: constructive versus destructive

From my files, an oldy, but goody, something I've used with couples, but it applies to anybody:

CONSTRUCTIVE FIGHT STYLES

Program fights at special times to avoid wear/tear on innocent bystanders—leave plenty of time to handle feelings

Each partner gives full expression to his/her own positive feelings and his/her own negative feelings

Each replays the partner’s argument in his/her own words, to be sure s/he understands it—this is known as “checking out” the other’s feelings

Entertain the “feedback” of the other’s evaluation of your behavior- think about it before rejecting or accepting the evaluation

Define what the fight is really about

Discover where the two positions coincide and differ

Each one defines his/her “out of bounds” area of vulnerability

Determine how deeply each partner feels about his/her stake in the fight—this helps decide how much each one can yield to the other

Offer correctional critiques of conduct- this means for both to develop positive suggestions for improvement in the other

Decide how each can help the other relative to the problem

Recognize the volcano (spontaneous explosion w/o reason)- wait for it to subside-don’t jump in

Keep score by comparing what you learn versus how each has been injured. Winners are those who learn more than they get hurt.

Fight- after thinking- compare your opinions with each other after the leftovers, evasions, and unsettled issues, if any. This is known as “mopping up”

Declare a fight holiday, a truce, a period of no fight engagements- allow for making up, enjoying each other, good sex, etc.

Be prepared for the next fight. Intimate fighting is more or less continuous if it is accepted and expected. If you do this, the quality of fight is less vicious, the fights are shorter, the injury is less, and the learning of new aspects increase

DESTRUCTIVE FIGHT STYLES

Apologizing prematurely

Refusing to take the fight seriously

Withdrawing- evading “toe-to-toe” confrontation- walking out- falling asleep- applying the “silent treatment”

Using intimate knowledge of the partner to “hit below the belt”

Chain-reacting- throwing in the kitchen sink- bringing in unrelated issues to pyramid the attack

Being a “false accommodator”—pretending to go along with the partner’s point of view for momentary peace, but hoarding doubts, secret contempt, resentments

Attacking indirectly (against some person, idea, or activity, value, or object which the partner loves or stands for)

Being a “double binder”—setting up expectations but making no attempt to fulfill them- giving a rebuke instead of a reward

“Character analysis”—explaining what the other person’s feelings are, or otherwise known as “mind reading”

Demanding more- gimme, gimme, gimme- nothing is ever enough

Withholding—affection, approval, recognition, material things, privileges—anything which would give pleasure or make life easier for the partner

Undermining—deliberating arousing or intensifying emotional insecurities, anxiety, or depression—keeping the partner on edge—threatening disaster

Being a “Benedict Arnold”—not only failing to defend the partner, but encouraging attacks from outsiders